I lost my laptop and I am so glad that I did.
Have you ever heard the word “pronoia”?
Pronoia is the idea that everything in the Universe is conspiring for your benefit. This idea may sound delusional to the uninitiated but it’s at the core of my approach to magic and manifestation and this whole thing with my laptop has only driven this message deeper into my soul.
Everything that happens to us is for our greatest good. Even the shitty, awful, painful, scary things. Even when we want to just yell “WHAT THE FUCK?!” at the universe at the top of our lungs.
Losing my laptop sucked. It sucked in a way more existential way than I possibly could have anticipated. My computer is my livelihood, it’s my lifeline, my safety net. It’s a buffer between me and the rest of the world.
I had quite a few people respond to my last email to tell me that mercury is currently retrograde and losing my laptop while traveling cross country is about the most mercury retrograde thing that possibly could have happened to me. I might agree with them except that I’m a mercury retrograde native. Mercury is in retrograde in my natal chart and that means that my experience of Mercury retrograde is wildly different from most people’s. I’ve moved cross country seven times in the last four years and almost every move was made during mercury retrograde. I launch during mercury retrograde. I travel during mercury retrograde. I teach during mercury retrograde. And I almost NEVER experience these kinds of problems.
So what gives?
As luck would have it, I have a Pluto line running right through the middle of the US (we’re talking astrocartography for those of you new to the subject, basically the astrology of locations based on your individual chart.) Pluto is a really gritty, intense planet. It’s all about transformation, death and rebirth, endings and beginnings. Think of The Tower card in tarot. I’m currently traveling from the East Coast to the West Coast which means I’ve spent the last two days traveling through an extremely volatile, Plutonian part of the country for me.
In other words, Pluto stole my laptop (and then gave it back.)
And honestly? It was such an intensely clarifying experience for me that I can’t even be mad about spending the last 24 hours stressed up to my eyeballs about this.
The reality is, I NEEDED this. I needed the opportunity to have the realizations that this created. I needed to feel the shock and powerlessness and rage and frustration. I needed to cry about it all the way across Oklahoma and Texas and halfway through New Mexico. And I needed to reach a place of acceptance and surrender.
Because I was starting to doubt.
I was starting to doubt my magic and the way that I perceive and work energy. I was starting to feel like maybe I had it wrong and I shouldn’t be teaching about energy work and manifesting at all. I was letting the frustration get to me and I forgot the most important step in the process. I forgot to trust.
Trust is always the most difficult part of the process. Most of us didn’t grow up with the idea that God and the Universe wanted good things for us. I know I didn’t. I grew up with the model of God as the punisher of all wrongdoings. If something bad happened, it was because I was bad.
Rewriting this belief has taken most of the last decade.
But if I had to tell you the secret sauce of magic and manifesting and energy and spirituality and god and the whole damn enchilada, it would be that.
Trust that the Universe wants good things for you, even when your current circumstances don’t feel good. Trust the process. Feel all the feelings and allow yourself the full depth of your human experience even when it sucks and feels like it’s trying to rip you in half knowing that the Universe is taking you somewhere if you’re just willing to go along for the ride.
Trust that even if you don’t understand and it hurts and it looks like everything is falling apart and blowing up in your face that the Universe is orchestrating all of it FOR you.
I’m getting my laptop back but I’d already given up on getting it back.
And in the process of giving up, I rediscovered my trust in the Universe. I realized some deep truths about myself and made decisions that will drastically change the course of my future. I’ve stepped into a new, more raw, more real version of myself and while it feels scary, I’m trusting the process.
Because I have pronoia. And when I allow myself to work the fundamentals of my energy practice, I end up where I need to be, even when I didn’t know I needed to be there.